[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
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People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD