In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
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What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
When you “pspspsp” too hard