in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
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The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?