in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
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The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.