In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
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And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman