In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
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ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Me when my alarm goes off
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
never ask a starfish for directions
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?