In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

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Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.


I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.


Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!


How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?


wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree


It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.


SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you


Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.


*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today

Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt


I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.