in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
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[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.