@NYC_Blonde I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
@AlanFelyk In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
You Might Also Like
@NYC_Blonde 
@Not_From_Troy Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
@lovemydogduck Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
@Kirangandhi The second world war should have been called world war returns
@SteveOHellNo People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
@Dani_Feld Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
@heidi420x You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
@HandyJack420 Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
@Breadery Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
@Book_Krazy Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”