In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.

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I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.


Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant


Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.


The second world war should have been called world war returns


People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.


Me: I wish for a lightsaber.

Genie: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.

Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?


You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..


Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.


Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”