In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
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Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
My therapist after every session
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!