In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
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It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Love is always patient and kind.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.