In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
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When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
new record!
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
The old gods are rising again.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.