In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
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Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.