In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
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imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
The human personality is made of five key elements
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10