[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
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“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.