In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
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I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
I need this for my side hustle.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions