In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
You Might Also Like
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
You’ll be OK
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Born to be mild.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Sticker placement is key.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.