In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
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I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Meanwhile in Canada…
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.