in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
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Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.