@WheelTod

In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.

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@bingowings14

Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.

@Donna_McCoy

I’m looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.

@patnspankme

Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.

@mynameisntdave

ME: I love u

GF: omg

ME: and I wanna be with u always

GF: *crying*

ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–

GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG

@Verity_Holloway

I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.

@funflaps

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

@robfromonline

boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}

me:

boss:

me: this one’s true tho

@RogerQuimbly

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

@thatcarlygirl

“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts

@deegeemindi

My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.