In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
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Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide