TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
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When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!