In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
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It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.