In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
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[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Am getting real tired of your crap…
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.