In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
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A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.