In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
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9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale