In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
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Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*