In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
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Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Yes, but it was never about money
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”