[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
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Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Favourite diary entry ever
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open