In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
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I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over