Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.

I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW

Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?

Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.

Me, at front door: I’m going running

Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?

Me: It’s me!

Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP

I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.

A classic example of a cat being a cat.

If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.

My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.

A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.

Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit

Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.

Me: Was it Don Henley?

I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.

Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”

Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack

All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.

Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.

Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle

I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.

sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me

WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”

My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.

A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.

coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone

me: whoa magic

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?

me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters

therapist: get out

Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…