Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’

Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.

“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.

Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary

According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce

my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard

Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.

Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.

Extremely relatable.

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.

Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.

some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”

apparently this year was written by stephen king

definitely did not do anything wrong

[my wife wants an expensive audi]

ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each

HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?

ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each

[an hour later]

ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each

“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”

Drunks & toddlers.

ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen

“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS

I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.

i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities