In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
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still the best tweet of the year by far
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”