In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
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“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
*mops up wine with cat*
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away