Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
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*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Never be a pizza!
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
accurate
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.