(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
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Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*