Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
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He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
I was bored.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.