INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
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Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.