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me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening


I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!


SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!

ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.


Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?

Beaver: yes please.


“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”


how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”


*Walks in late to dinner*

I see fed people.


[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”


Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.