Incredible customer service.
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A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?