incredible google review i just found
You Might Also Like
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.