Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
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Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Shower sex be like:
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified