incredible
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Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.