Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

wife: what’s bothering you, hun?

attila: the romans

My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling

I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.

I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing

(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!

*all the adults start screaming*

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

“Go ahead, caller. . .”

“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”