@iamspacegirl
@WilliamAder Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
You Might Also Like
@WilliamAder 
@XplodingUnicorn Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
@WheelTod Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
@NoorShamma “When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
@wolfpupy no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
@lizzzzzielogan I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
@HushJared Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
@kv8 I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
@Jesssicle Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
@Home_Halfway Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.