incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
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Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?