Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

The kindergarten people are so short

-my kid, after one day of being a first grader

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.

Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”

WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?

ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie

Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand

He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.

WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.

Not recommended for beginners.

I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!

[Family game night]

Grandma: what are the rules?

Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head

Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!

My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket

The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

[Family BBQ]

Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!

Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.

Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday

[1 a.m. thursday night]

ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped

(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”

Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi

Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.