incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs

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Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.


Me: “Am I pretty?”

3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”

Me: “Am I handsome?”

3-year-old: “No.”


Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark


“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.


no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden


I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake


Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting


I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.


Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.


Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.