@iamspacegirl

incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs

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@WilliamAder

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: “Am I pretty?”

3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”

Me: “Am I handsome?”

3-year-old: “No.”

@WheelTod

Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark

@NoorShamma

“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.

@wolfpupy

no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden

@lizzzzzielogan

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

@HushJared

Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting

@kv8

I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.

@Jesssicle

Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.

@Home_Halfway

Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.