independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
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I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.