[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
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Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
I saw nothing
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
You can’t outrun your problems…
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Simple
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?