Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
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LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Möther may I have a snäck
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.