Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
You Might Also Like
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.