Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
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for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
britain’s three elite institutions
#damn
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high