Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
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We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead