Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
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My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second