indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
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My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Match dot com, but for socks.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?