Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
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You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.