Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
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Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
I need this for my side hustle.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Noah was an idiot.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.