@envydatropic

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

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@

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

@causticbob

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

@asimplesean

Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.

@secondofhername

What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.

@Professor_Ryan

Chess in Australia must be hard.

“Check, mate”

“Checkmate?”

“What?”

“Huh?”

@ThisOneSayz

Me: Just once?

Dog:

Me: Please?

Dog:

Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”

Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?

@JanelSantaCruz

Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.

@brennadine

[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet