@secondofhername *Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
@envydatropic Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
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@secondofhername I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
@causticbob I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
@asimplesean Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
@nice_mustard it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
@secondofhername What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
@Professor_Ryan Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
@ThisOneSayz Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
@JanelSantaCruz Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
@brennadine [Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet