Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
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I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
no regrets
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Good Morning.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year