Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
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There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Solving a traffic jam
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti