“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
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How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
According to the Internet:
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– Cures cancer.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …
When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.