@ThisOneSayz

*Infinite space outside*

A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!

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@pixelatedboat

“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available

@3sunzzz

How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

@noog

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

@rcromwell4

Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.

@SteveKoehler22

So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …

When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?

That’s Bullshit.

@fro_vo

[restaurant]

WAITER: are you ready to order

DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew

WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it

DAD:

WAITER:

DAD: i’ll have the chicken

@StymieBrewer

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

@skittle624

I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.

@CatherineLMK

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.