*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
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reduce, reuse, recycle
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.