*Infinite space outside*

A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!

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“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available


How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?


According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

– Cures cancer.


Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.


So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …

When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?

That’s Bullshit.



WAITER: are you ready to order

DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew

WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it



DAD: i’ll have the chicken


“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.


I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.


Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.